Motherhood and Atheism

Well, dear readers, after “finding” my blog again, I have decided to start keeping it up again. A lot has changed over the last 3 years. I’m still working for my local grocer, still as a cashier.

I’ve been married for 2 years to the man of my dreams. He is agnostic, bordering on atheist. He treats me right, quite frankly spoils me rotten! He is just downright amazing!

And, most importantly, he has gifted me with the best thing a woman could possibly ask for: a beautiful daughter. Mini-me made her way into the world March 1st, 2011. She is the greatest thing I could have asked for, ever.

She has also brought a ton of questions to mind about raising a secular child. Do I introduce Santa? The tooth fairy? The easter bunny? Or do I teach her about them as old traditions? How do I answer her questions about her friends going to church?

I have a feeling parenthood will be an interesting journey for the 3 of us. My wonderful husband’s mother is, well, not so wonderful.  She is very religious, and just pushes and pushes for us to pray, go to church, become blind sheep again. Sorry, but no.  Not interested. I am finally free

of

the oppression, the judgement of religious indoctrination. Why would I want to go back to that? Why would I want to put my daughter through that?

Well, in conclusion, readers, motherhood is calling, and ad challenging as it is, I’m in for a very long ride!

-Atheist mom

Long Time Coming

Well, dear readers, I have been away for quite a while. It’s been a long time coming, but I finally moved out. I moved out around the middle of last month, and have been settling in since then. Since the last time I posted, a lot has happened in our world. And, I’d like to start from what I think is most important in today’s society.

First off, we have a new president. Not quite in the oval office yet, but we have a new president! Barack Obama is our new president elect. This is no news to anybody. If anything, it’s old news. But, it’s still super exciting. What does this mean to me? Well, readers, this means a new world for all people in this country, dare I say, all over the world. This means a chance for the country to start over, and reestablish relationships with countries we have long since destroyed.

I also think this means a new chance for atheists to recover their patriot status, and gain a new voice in the country. I don’t think atheists have ever been fairly represented, but I am willing to step out now, and say that atheists will finally have a voice, finally have a chance to voice their opinions without being shut off as anti-American.

What else do I think this will mean? Worldwide, I think this will mean a chance to expand our horizons, and to fix our relationships with other countries. I think this will mean a chance to repair the damage we’ve done on the homefront, eliminate the poverished class and bring back the middle class. This will mean no child left behind will return to its original goals.

I think this means that college students will get more opportunities straight out of school, and less worrying about how they’re going to pay off $20,000 in school loans.

There’s a lot of speculation as to what Barack Obama is capable of doing, but here is one thing I know for sure: We’ve needed a Democrat to fix the damage that George W. Bush has done, and we have one who is capable of doing that and more. Let’s keep it that way!!!!

Well, dear readers, this will be shorter than my usual. More from me soon,

-SS

Large Hadron Collider Started Up Today

The news for the day: the Large Hadron Collider(LHC) was started up today at approximately 2:30 AM Central Time. This marks a time in history I never thought would happen. Of course, there are other particle accelerators in the world, but none this large, and I doubt there is a better chance to recreate the Big Bang. Of course, as is pointed out in CERN’s press release, it takes much more than just flipping a switch to begin the collisions and their experiments. It’s going to take at least another few weeks before they begin the experiments they are planning.

The experiments they are planning are as follows:

• ALICE: An experiment to recreate the conditions immediately after the Big Bang under controlled laboratory conditions. They are doing this in part to give CERN scientists a chance to study quark-gluon plasma.
• ATLAS: General experiment to discover things like the Higgs boson, and other physics theories.
• CMS: Generally the same as ATLAS.
• LHCb: An experiment to determine why we live in a universe that is mostly matter, and appears to be no antimatter.
• TOTEM: Appears to be an experiment to study basic physics, determine the size of the proton, and figure out the LHC’s luminosity.
• LHCf: Using forward rays to recreate cosmic rays in laboratory conditions.

The Large Hadron Collider is the largest particle accelerator ever created. The collider ring covers a large portion of the swiss alps, and is 26,659 m in circumference, and has 9,300 magnets inside. Apparently, one eighth of it’s cryogenic distribution system would be considered the world’s largest fridge. This is so exciting for scientists around the world. I certainly am excited.

The chance to learn about the origins of the universe, the chance to recreate the Big Bang, the possibilities are endless! To think that in less than a month, there will be a collision inside this collider, it’s amazing, the chances are wonderful!

Of course, the other side of it, there are people concerned about the dangers of the LHC, what the LHC will create. Fundamentalist Christians think this will start the apocalypse, bring the devil forward through the black hole that no one has confirmed the LHC will create. Doomssayers insist that the world will end with the first collision.

Why the focus on that? Are these people really that scared of discoveries of this magnitude?

-Ever yours in wonder

Facing the Myths of Atheism – Bloody History

Hedonist, baby eater, amoral. These are all words I hear when others describe atheists. Of course, they are sources of endless frustration, as they come from those who could be described as unfairly biased in the direction of Christianity. There are those who choose to find the historic atheists and label them as leaders of the “atheistic movement,” when in fact, they are nothing like those of us modern atheists who follow a basic moral code that we have chosen for ourselves.

Examples of such historic atheists are as follows:

• Adolf Hitler, leader of the Nazi movement beginning World War 2
• Pol Pot, Khmer Rouge leader, killer of millions in the name of restarting civilization in Year Zero
• Joseph Stalin, Communist leader, credited with reuniting Soviet Russia
• Mao Zedong, Communist leader, credited with starting the People’s Republic of China
• Vladmir Lenin, leader of the October Revolution

All of the men listed above killed in countless millions. All were political leaders. All had other motivations for killing. Some, even, were not atheists. Very few against atheism will look at the other side, those atheists who have attempted a start at peace movements, human rights movements, or just generally aiming for bettering the human race. We’ll look at those as well.

• John Lennon, Beatle, writer of Imagine, killed by a young man desperate for stardom
• Thomas Jefferson, one of the founding fathers of the United States of America, who aimed for a religious society.

… [T]here would never have been an infidel if there had never been a priest

• Pete Stark, only current member of Congress who is openly Atheist, who is extremely opposed to the Iraq War, and was openly opposed to the Vietnam War.

Republicans sure don’t care about finding $200 billion to fight the illegal war in Iraq. Where are you going to get that money? Are you going to tell us lies like you’re telling us today? Is that how you’re going to fund the war? You don’t have money to fund the war or children. But you’re going to spend it to blow up innocent people if we can get enough kids to grow old enough for you to send to Iraq to get their heads blown off for the President’s amusement.

While the list may not be as long as those who have killed historically, the list of those who’ve killed in the name of religion is insurmountably longer than I’ve ever seen. Here’s just a brief list, including those who have killed in the name of Christianity, or movements to further Christian thought.

• The Salem Witch Trials, where the church ruled in all civil matters, including the accusation, torture and execution of those involved
• The Spanish Inquisition, started and maintained by the Roman Catholic church in 1478, it was a movement to destroy those who got in the way of the Catholic’s movement across Europe, fund the Reconquista, and create religious homogeneity
• The Medieval Crusades, a series of military crusades led by a religious means, directed at those outside the Christian faith

Even today, while those involved deny religious motivation, there continues to be genocides in the name of Islam, in the name of Communism(although, not a religious movement, it is a movement of violence against a specific way of life), and we can’t ignore the war in Iraq.

I will openly admit, there have been peace movements started by numerous religious sects, but look at the motivation behind them. There are many religious who will do good for the sake of doing good, but most will for the sake of earning brownie points, avoiding bad karma, or avoiding hell.

Now, to approach a rebuttal of the above listed “atheist” killers in history. One of the main ones I will focus on is Adolf Hitler, as he is not even an atheist, and had openly professed a hatred for the atheistic movement.

Adolf Hitler was born and raised in the Roman Catholic church. While he stopped attending services well before he led Nazi Germany, his movement was still largely religiously motivated. He wanted to unite Europe in one common faith, and killed millions in doing so. He openly stated in an address after his appointment to the Chancellorship of Germany,

We have . . . undertaken the fight against the atheistic movement, and that not merely with a few theoretical declarations: we have stamped it out.

Along with this simple line, he banned freethought organizations, and launched an anti-godless movement. Among the approximately six million Jews he killed in an attempt to cleanse the country, he killed tens of millions of people in the event we know as the Holocaust. We, of course, recall that there was a punishment of the death penalty for anyone who helped a persecuted individual escape the effects of the Holocaust.

The total approximate death toll of these horrible events comes to the number of over 17 million people. Considering the relatively short amount of time Hitler was in power, that number is huge. Imagine how much more populated the world would be if those souls had not been killed.

Pol Pot, Khmer Rouge leader, unconfirmed atheist. Pol Pot killed up to 1.7 million in the name of restarting civilization in Year Zero. His hopes were to unite civilization in a common cause of agrarian civilization, where all labor was on the outsets of society. While there is no confirmation of his religious beliefs, he did kill those in the way of imposing Year Zero, and killed Buddhists, Muslims, western-educated individuals, the crippled, the lame, the mentally handicapped, and the ethnic Chinese, Laoation, and Vietnamese.

As you can see already, the above listed “killers” were not killing in the name of atheism, or in the name of furthering an atheistic cause. I will paraphrase Richard Dawkins here in saying:

Accusing Hitler of killing in the name of Atheism is just like accusing Hitler and Musselini of killing in the name of moustachism (we, of course, recall both have moustaches)

The point here is, we shouldn’t point fingers at one another and blame the misgivings of the world on Atheism, Christianity, or anything in general. We are all human beings, and should treat each other as such. As a wise person once said, “Treat others as you would have yourself be treated.”

Let us no longer see images of mass graves on the news. We should no longer kill one another for a disagreement in morals. We should join forces in uniting the world in one common cause: Saving humanity from an inevitable extinction at our own hands. Put down the weapons, exchange words, stop raping the planet. Maybe then, we can save the world. Maybe then, we can stop the wars.

My dear readers, I hope you learn something from every single one of my entries in this blog, but most of all, I hope you walk away with a sense of moral obligation to your fellow man. Go home, tell your mother you love her, and think about what you can do in your neighborhood to put an end to the mistreatment of those around you.

-Genocide is not the answer

Treatment of Saudi Women Part 2: Crime and Punishment

Thank you to my readers for the enormous response to my first post about Saudi women. Due to that response, I feel it pertinent to bring forward a new chapter, namely, discussing the crimes women are accused of, and the punishment they receive. One such issue is the punishment of a 19 year old girl who was gang-raped, and then jailed for six months and given 200 lashes.

You can find the related story here.

Discussion of Saudi victim’s increased punishment

The 19-year-old victim was sentenced last year to 90 lashes for meeting with an unrelated male, a former friend from whom she was retrieving photographs. The seven rapists, who abducted the pair, received sentences ranging from 10 months to five years in prison.

The victim’s attorney, Abdulrahman al-Lahim, contested the rapists’ sentence, contending there is a fatwa, or edict under Islamic law, that considers such crimes Hiraba (sinful violent crime) and the punishment should be death.

“After a year, the preliminary court changed the punishment and made it two to nine years for the defendants,” al-Lahim said of the new decision handed down Wednesday. “However, we were shocked that they also changed the victim’s sentence to be six months in prison and 200 lashes.”

The judges more than doubled the punishment for the victim because of “her attempt to aggravate and influence the judiciary through the media,” according to a source quoted by Arab News, an English-language Middle Eastern daily newspaper.

Okay, so in all fairness, the rapists were punished as well, but why punish the victim? I understand the laws in Saudi Arabia are harsh on women, but when does it cross the line into a total and utter violation of human rights? First off, the girl is punished for meeting an unrelated Saudi male, and then, when she talks to the media(assumingly because she wants her story to be heard by a widespread group), she is punished more.

What would happen if laws such as this were put into place in the US? Would Ted Bundy have gone to the chair sooner for attempting to sway the people of the US and assure them of his innocence? Would the police forces of the US be punished for speaking with the media about a missing persons case?

I understand, of course, that it is illegal for women to venture out of their homes without a related male adult with them, but isn’t this crossing the line? Why just jump to this?

Lawyer blocked from defending client, license revoked

Judge Saad al-Muhanna from the Qatif General Court also barred al-Lahim from defending his client and revoked his law license, al-Lahim said. The attorney has been ordered to attend a disciplinary hearing at the Ministry of Justice next month.

Al-Lahim said he is appealing the decision to bar him from representing the victim and has a meeting with Justice Minister Abdullah bin Muhammad bin Ibrahim Al Al-Sheikh on Monday.

“Currently she doesn’t have a lawyer, and I feel they’re doing this to isolate her and deprive her from her basic rights,” al-Lahim said. “We will not accept this judgment and I’ll do my best to continue representing her because justice needs to take place.”

Al-Lahim said he wanted the Justice Ministry to take “a very clear standing” on the case, saying the decision is “judicial mutiny against reform that King Abdullah bin Abdulaziz started and against Saudi women who are being victimized because of such decisions.”

So, not only was the girl punished for speaking to the media and being raped, but then had no defense to help her in court. Seeing as women are not allowed to testify in court if there was a crime that a man witnessed, how can she defend herself? How can she stand up and get her story heard?

Fortunately, as all fairy tale stories go, this does have a somewhat happy ending. The rape victim’s husband stood up for her by saying she was a “crushed individual” who should not be treated as a criminal for what happened to her.

Husband speaks of injustice

“From the outset, my wife was dealt with as a guilty person who committed a crime,” said her 24-year-old husband. “She was not given any chance to prove her innocence or describe how she was a victim of multiple brutal rapes.”

It appears the girl has her husband’s support in her outcry that she was treated unfairly by the Saudi courts. There have been numerous human rights appeals to the king to drop the charges against this girl and grant her innocence.

Well, December 17th, 2007, that innocence came for her. The Saudi King Abdullah announced that he would pardon the Girl of Qatif and the other victim of their crimes. As is referenced in numerous articles, it is worth noting the king’s reason for the pardon. He states she has suffered enough to his liking, as she had already had her brother attempt to kill her, and had already tried to kill herself.

Now, briefly going over some other laws that bring women to a lower social level than men:

Women are not allowed to travel or have surgery without a man’s permission. They are not allowed to drive. They cannot participate in parliment discussions. A woman who is married to more than one man is considered an adultress and is subject to death by stoning, whereas a man can marry up to four times. Women have to surrender identification to male family members, and recently, could only open a bank account with the verification of her identity by a male relative.

Vice police, called mutawwa, patrol, preventing young men and women from mingling. When there was a girl’s school fire, the firefighters were prevented from entering to save the girls because they would be unveiled, and that would be unecessary temptation to the men.

Previous to a few years ago, women were not allowed to work, were only taught to read the Koran, and had very limited education. Yes, now, there are numerous women in the workplace, but the abaya dress code remains in place.

Men seem to be afraid to give women independence. Perhaps, there is a fear it would become a female-dominated government, and rights would be pushed unfairly in the opposite direction? Who knows, but a radical human rights change needs to happen to allow these women the freedom they need to be successful.

Let’s look at the other side, as well, now. There are certainly women in all Islamic countries that want freedom, that want the laws changed, but would they adhere to the change of no dress code? Doubtful, really. These women, while in desire of political change, are still devoted to their religion, and their husbands, and doubtless will continue to wear the black abaya as a symbol of respect for their religion. You most certainly see it in other countries. On a daily basis, I see an Islamic family who shops at my store whose mother and two daughters go everywhere dressed in their abayas.

Why allow the continuation of such atrocities? Why allow women to be killed to save the honor of their family? If a woman is raped, must she really be considered a stain to the honor of the family? Is this fair?

Stay tuned dear readers, for my next chapter. My recovery from the emotional torrent of this will be long, and the anger shall never leave.

-Horrified in Utah

Note: To help this cause, please donate to the Ayaan Hirsi Ali Security Trust, and the Foundation for the Freedom of Expression, whose street address is listed on that site. They both aim to better the treatment of women in Islamic countries, and help Muslim dissidents from around the world seek political asylum and protection from the dangers they face.

Doubter’s Anonymous, a Working Atheist in Utah

As I pointed out in my first post, I am an atheist living in Salt Lake City, Utah. This is Mormon capitol of the world, where all other religions are shunned, and atheists are forced underground. The remaining friends I do have know I am an atheist, and watched me go through my journey on the road to atheism. The ones who weren’t there for it all, or ignored the steps I was taking, having long since walked away, citing irreconcilable differences.

I work in a small, “family” run grocery store about two miles from where I live. When I’m not at the front as a cashier or bagger, I am working in the dairy cooler as the backup worker. I throw freight, check out people’s groceries, and end off their shopping trip with a smile. I always have and always will make my work about the customers and my fellow employees. There are others, though, that feel the need to sabotage eachother’s work, get involved in eachother’s personal lives, and try to get administrative decisions made based on heresay.

Very few of the people I work with know I’m an atheist. The ones that do either suspected it all along, and are still good friends, or I’ve directly told out of their curiosity about why I work on Sundays. There are only two people who I have felt comfortable enough to tell outright that I was a disbelieving heathen. One is my boyfriend, who is agnostic, and ironically enough, also works in dairy on my off days(I’m his back up so he actually gets days off). The other is a very close friend who has helped me out a lot since I started working there.

My concern about the spread of my lack of religious beliefs is the hatred Mormonism creates for those of a different belief set. My store director is LDS and has his thumb on my position in dairy. As of right now, my position is stable, as I am apparently continuing to do well, and am getting better as I go. But, what happens when the news of my atheism reaches him? Will that change his mind? I fear it would. He’s already made no qualms with expressing his distate at women throwing freight, women operating heavy machinery, and women in the workplace in general. I don’t doubt he would take that one step further with religion.

My question to all out there is this: Religious or not, would you allow a worker to be fired because of a religious mindset or lack thereof? Or would you make judgements based on merit of work?

I can sincerely say the people under me would be treated fairly, and would not be shoved aside due to their religion, sex, marital status, lifestyle choices, or anything else that is private life business. But, I don’t think the whole world could be so diplomatic as to say the same.

As I continue on my journey throughout life, I hope to continue to advance myself, and make myself a better person, a harder worker. I’m already able to say I’ve done nearly everything available to me, and can now add warehouse work to the resume due to throwing freight. Whether or not I truly enjoy the work, I enjoy making people happy, even if it is something as simple as keeping stock on the shelves or bagging their groceries.

As I continue on my journey, I hope that my atheism would not create a roadblock in my advancing, and if it does, that the person who is making judgements doesn’t effect those around me who know what I truly can do.

To all you out there in blog world, I hope my blogs continue to bring you inspiration, and cause you to think.

- Forever doubting, never faltering

Being a Woman in Saudi Arabia

Just recently, I read a string of posts by a member of an internet forum I belong to about the treatment of women in Saudi Arabia. He and his wife spent time in Riyadh as staff in a hospital, and after his sharing this fact, he was asked to share his experiences there. I knew that the women in Saudi Arabia were under strict control, but I had no idea how strict it was.

In restaurants such as KFC and McDonald’s, women are not allowed in alone, and there are seperate sections for men and families, the men’s section being completely void of women, and the family section being only for escorted females, or, obviously, families. Hospitals have seperate waiting rooms for men and women. Mosques have seperate sections for men and women. Banks have two seperate branches, one for men, one for women.

Now, the horrifying thing is that these people allow this because the religion they belong to dictates that they treat women so poorly. I may be incorrect in saying this, but Islam teaches men that women are lower creatures. Why is the rest of the world allowing this? Because we can’t step on religious toes to defend human rights. In the US, and elsewhere in the Western world, women are treated as near equals to men, and are given the same opportunities as men are.

I consider myself immensely lucky after reading what I have to be living in the United States. I’m allowed to walk into whatever restaurant I want without any questions. I’m allowed to walk into a hospital and not be segregated to a seperate waiting room. I am respected by men at work because I’m a woman, throwing freight. I don’t have to cover myself when I go out, just as long as what I’m wearing doesn’t border on flashing the world.

I’m still outraged, however, that the world will not step up and stop the atrocities that go on in Saudi Arabia and other Islam countries. Why continue to allow women to be stoned to death for showing ankle? Why allow children to be abandoned because they will bring down the dowry value of another woman in the family? How is this fair? Is this not violating basic human rights?

Why do we have to respect religion, not step on the toes of the religious, allow this to go on because they have freedom to practice their religion? Shouldn’t those rights be null and void when they infringe on the rights of other people?

Would it be too much to hope that one day soon, Islam will liberalize and allow women the rights women elsewhere are allowed? Will Islam become a secular nation, ever?

Of course, these are all questions that beg to be answered fairly, but doubtfully will they be answered with yes. Islam will go on abusing women, making them cover their heads, separating them from the rest of society as covered baby making machines. Why am I so outraged? I am a woman, living in the free world, free to dress how I want, work where I want, marry who I want, and I’m watching another part of the world deny women these rights. Shouldn’t it stop?

-Remain uncovered

Technical Support for Seniors

Today, I had the experience of going to my grandmother’s house to attempt to fix her computer. We originally bought the computer for her and my grandpa about six years back, and the original experience was a technical support nightmare. We had forgotten that these people lived in the stone ages, and were not up to date with the latest technology (keep in mind, my grandmother still has trouble using her debit card and mostly writes checks).

My grandfather had a cell phone, but it was so grandmother could call him while he was working, and his customers had a way to get a hold of him (door to door salesman of Fuller Brush). They still had an answering machine, and had not switched to voicemail.

So, needless to say, we had fun, the three of us, trying to teach my elderly grandparents how to use a computer. We finally got them past the initial bumps in the road of discovering what the technical names were for things like the pointer, the box(the tower), the TV screen(the monitor), etc. They were finally connected to the internet, and we had very few problems.

Well, a few months ago, my grandmother called, in a panic. The computer wasn’t working. It would turn on, but the mouse wasn’t working, and it wouldn’t stay in the port. Well, we fixed that(port receptor on the mouse was broken), and everything was dandy. Now, her most recent nightmare: (CUE DRAMATIC MUSIC)

NOTHING WILL LOAD.

Now, folks, I do not exaggerate, I started up the computer, and it came to a screen asking what mode I wanted to start the computer up in. Of course, the fool I am, I try to start it up in regular windows mode. Doesn’t work. So I shut the computer back down. Tried starting it up in safe mode. Wouldn’t work. So, I figured the problem must be internal.

I will not call myself a computer expert, but I know a fair share. I knew that, being the packrat my grandmother is, she would still have all the original software for the computer, and figured I’d attempt a system restart and reinstall the operating system. Everything was going fine. The install went fine, but as soon as we got to registering components, it froze. Completely. Zip, zilch, no action.

The computer turned off. I turned it back on, and saw the words I didn’t ever need to see. The system32 files were corrupt or missing. I knew then, the computer was toast. No system32 files, corrupt operating system, kaput computer. I felt like I was delivering the bad news of a death to a bereft family member. Fortunately, there was no crying, but BOY was I worried!

We went to a computer dealer that had apparently helped them through some of their technical support nightmares to see if we couldn’t find something new for her. Well, used computer stores are great. The one close by her home sells rebuilt computers, and was able to offer her a new (read: rebuilt) computer, monitor, mouse, and keyboard for about $300. I am, of course, going to shop around, but sounds like a good deal to me.

Nonetheless, today was an interesting day. I made the interesting observation that my grandmother has changed quite a bit since my grandfather passed. Previous to his passing, if I had told her that I was throwing freight for a living, she would about insist that I quit. However, now, she asks how I’m doing, how it’s treating my body, if I like it, etc. She hasn’t asked any awkward questions about my life yet (read: yet) and seems to be genuinely interested in learning and losing her stubborness (we hope).

Now, for my random invention that really needs to exist:

A technical support center specifically for seniors, full of people who have the patience to do that for 8 hours a day, seven days a week.

Don’t you think that’d be brilliant? No? Well, obviously you’ve never had to provide technical support for your electronically inept grandparents.

I bid you farewell, readers, and hope you’ll stop by again.

-Not pulling my hair, yet

On Grief, Saying Goodbye

My grandfather died in February of this year. He was the first close family member I’ve been old enough to grieve his passing. I still don’t feel that I got the chance to say goodbye. No goodbye is good enough when it comes to a family member landing in their final resting place.

Saying goodbye has always been a hard thing for humanity to do. Look at the grief that struck the whole world when 9/11 happened. No one expected that. No one knew what was being planned, except those that planned it. The waves of grief worsened as, not long after, the terrorist threat had reached farther and hit London’s train system. I still look at pictures of the New York skyline, and feel that there’s something missing. I’ve never once been to New York to see the twin towers, but that image has always been a part of those tacky postcards you can send people.

I’ve always been told that everyone handles grief differently, and goes through the whole process in different steps. Well, that’s true. Everyone has a different way of handling grief. Some people do best comforting those around them who are grieving. Some hole up and grieve on their own. Some, like me, hold it in until the tears can’t be stopped.

When my grandfather passed, it was almost a relief to all of us. He had been suffering from numerous problems for almost two years, starting with a stroke, and continuing on through his recovery. He slid back a lot, bounced back, and then slid back again. I think he just started to give up when he was told he couldn’t work anymore. He was an amazing man. He worked the same job, as a Fuller Brush salesman for 50 years, was married to my grandmother for 51 years, and raised my wonderful mother. He carried the two women in his life around on a pillow. If there was anything that needed to be fixed, he’d fix it. If there was anything that needed to be done to the car, he’d do it. It was a huge blow to have him lose the ability to do all of that so suddenly.

He had a stroke in September of 2006. Previous to this, my mother and grandmother had stopped talking because they’d had a disagreement. My mother suddenly got a call from grandmother in the wee hours of the morning telling her that an ambulance was taking grandpa to the hospital and it looked like he’d had a stroke. She told me, and then immediately found a way to the hospital. As I got ready, I found the news hitting me harder and harder. Was I going to lose my grandpa? Was I going to lose all those fond memories of him in such a short amount of time?

While I was on my way up to the hospital, it was all I could do to stop crying. I listened to happy music, called a friend, but nothing worked. I was just crying the whole way. When I walked into the hospital emergency room, he was there, laying in a cold hospital bed, on a ventilator. But, I know he knew I was there. He couldn’t grab my hand, but I saw a tear roll down his cheek. The almost two weeks he was in the hospital doing his initial recovery were the scariest two weeks of my life. I knew strokes were serious. Once he’d finally gotten a little more of his conciousness back, I went up to see him again. This time, he grabbed my hand, and smiled the best that he could.

After leaving the hospital, he went into rehabilitative care and his recovery was amazing! We went to visit him over the months he was there, and watched him go from not being able to talk or make small motor movements to being able to walk with a walker, and talking all over again.

The next year was living hell on him. He tried to go back to work, driving, all of his daily regular activities, and just couldn’t. I think that’s when his recovery fell back. I think he felt that life just wasn’t worth living if he couldn’t work, couldn’t drive, couldn’t take care of his girls. He ended up in the hospital again almost exactly a year later, able to walk, but just didn’t seem to be able to talk, and the concern was he’d had another smaller stroke.

Seeing him that day, I think that was the last time I really got to say goodbye. I don’t think it was enough. He knew I was there, and was SO excited to see me. He smiled, waved, and did his best to acknowledge that I was there. I said goodbye as I left the hospital room, and that was the last time I saw him before the funeral.

As with the year before, he called on my birthday to wish me a happy birthday, and sounded worse than he had the year before. I was just happy he’d called. I told him I loved him, and said goodbye again.

In January, he was admitted to home hospice care, after months of being bounced around through nursing homes and hospital care. It was only a short time before he passed. My grandmother woke up in the middle of the night, and couldn’t hear him breathing. She went to check on him, and sure enough, he was gone. After calling the mortuary to have them come pick him up, she called my mother, who promptly woke both myself and my younger brother up to let us know he was gone.

It didn’t hit me what she’d said. I woke up the next morning, wondering how grandpa was doing, and just didn’t feel that he was gone. Then, after some time bustling around, and recieving condolence e-mails from a few of my mother and I’s shared friends, I broke. I realized my grandpa was gone. My knight in shining armor. The man I wanted any man I ever married to be like, he was gone.

The condolence notes and words I received from my more religious friends were hard to bear. People telling me he was in a better place. People telling me he was with God, now. People telling me he was singing with the angels. People telling me he was watching over me. Those were the ones I had to try not to fight. I wanted to just scream at them, tell them there was NO such thing as God, that my grandfather was sleeping forever.

Atheist condolences come along the lines of “Your grandfather is getting the best sleep a man will ever get”, “His suffering is finally over”, and the likes. I prefer those. The idea of my grandfather in the ground, sleeping, not suffering, THAT’s the picture I like. Not the idea that he’s somewhere in the sky, floating around, watching over me.

The funeral was a small affair. The funeral was held in Tremonton, Utah, alongside my grandmother’s family, my grandfather’s sister, myself, my mother, brother, and a few of the immediate family that still live in Utah. I did the best I could to stay held together through it, but I finally broke when they closed the casket. That was the final goodbye. I was never going to see him again.

Now, it’s almost 9 months since he passed, and I miss him so much! I don’t think I said goodbye enough. I didn’t tell him I love him enough. I didn’t hug him enough. There were so many things I never got the chance to do. I think this grief will be a lifelong process for me. My grandpa was the greatest male role model in all my life. And, now, he’s gone.

Grieving. Interesting process. My thoughts on it are probably the same as everyone else’s, but here they are nonetheless.

- Never too young to understand

Jumping in feet first

This week, there has been a lot to think about. As I noted in my first blog, I work for my local grocery store. I am a multipurpose clerk at this point, and work as a cashier, bagger, and dairy worker. I only work dairy two days a week, which means my other three days are worked on the front end.

Over the four months since I started working there, I have made a lot of valuable friends, whether they be customers, or my fellow employees. We’re all able to sit around and laugh with each other, argue a little, and have fun. Our customers appreciate the jovial attitude of our store, and continue to come back because they like the employees.

One woman in particular has been a very good friend for me to have! She’s been there to watch me suffer through the hardest parts of the job, and has never stopped me in doing anything, just helps me to do it better. Just recently, she told me she sold Mary Kay, and over the past couple of months, she’s been bugging me relentlessly to go to one of her at home parties to try out the products. Well, I finally did. She held a spa night and we got to try out a couple of their hand creams. I absolutely loved them! Instead of buying one, of course, I bought an oil free makeup remover(I now swear by it! No more raccoon eyes!!!), and told her I’d think about it some more.

Then, I was looking through the look book she gave me, and decided it was time for me to try something new. My mom decided she liked one of the lipstick colors, and I wanted to get a foundation. This was a new experience for me. I NEVER wear foundation. I’ve always considered myself to be a plain girl, and don’t want to go over the top with my makeup. The most I wear is concealer, mascara, and a little lip gloss. Well, I love the foundation!

Well, she once again invited me to go to a party. This time, it was a color class, learning all about Mary Kay, the structure of the company, and finally, how to apply makeup and NOT look like a woman of the night. I had fun. After the class was over, I had the director approach me and ask me what I thought about Mary Kay. Of course, I was nervous. I’ve really never gotten along well with women, and the idea of being around a whole bunch of people scares me to death. But, I had so much fun, and the women there were all down to earth, naturally beautiful women. So, I said I was considering becoming a consultant.

So, here I am, actually considering becoming a Mary Kay consultant. I have, sitting in my e-mail box, an agreement to become a consultant, and sell Mary Kay products. The main issue right now is the initial amount I am going to need to get started. I’m eager though, and would like to do it, if not just for the fact that I truly like the product, and think it can benefit women everywhere. I think this will help me to build my self confidence and self esteem, help me to feel comfortable in my own skin again, and maybe, just maybe, help me to do what I’ve always wanted, and help other women.

There will, of course, be updates as I go along, and perhaps a link to my consultant page. Who knows? But, I’m excited!!

-Stay beautiful